It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
