my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
