I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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