Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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