I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
