3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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