If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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