He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
