a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Dear god my vagina.
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