Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
