I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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