You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
