just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
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i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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