Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
