I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
4 words: hood of his car
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
