My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
