I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
