if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
