I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
