How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
