Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize