a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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