his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
