Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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