Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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