John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
