dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
