I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
