she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
