i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
