M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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