I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
