I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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