Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wish you could order shots online.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
