dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
