is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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