theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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