That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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