just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
