Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
