it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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