The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
