JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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