i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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