mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
my nose is crying tears of wow.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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