Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
