yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
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Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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