textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
