you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize