Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
