HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
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