I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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