I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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