I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
