I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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