just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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