He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
