i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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