Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
